Introduction to Assertive Self-Talk
I remember my first interaction with the concept of assertive self-talk. The book was Unfu*kyourself by Gary John Bishop. He stated factually, “you talk to yourself more than you talk to anyone else, what are those conversations like?” It hit me like a lightning bolt. I’m not sure why but I always associated the fact that I carried on these elaborate conversations with myself as ‘crazy.’ Turns out it’s not crazy, it’s ‘normal.’ To anyone that struggles with mental health, anxiety or depression, you can relate to the continued negative banter within your own head. It’s non stop. It’s a perpetual loop of self doubt on overload. It’s a negative daydream that haunts your mind, inducing anxiety and depression. I’m here to tell you, taking charge of that conversation is easy. Learning assertive self-talk will set you free.
Assertive self-talk is the practice of positively responding to negative thoughts that can pollute your mind. When you suffer from mental health issues, it’s easy to get stuck in a loop of negative self-talk within your own head. I call these my ‘chatty monkeys.’ Assertive self-talk is a way of speaking to yourself with compassion, confidence and clarity. Rather than allowing self-criticism or doubt to dominate your inner voice, assertive self-talk helps you take control of your inner dialogue. It stops the chatty monkeys from running amuck.
With assertive self-talk, you consciously counter those automatic negative thoughts with more realistic and empowering alternatives. For example, instead of thinking "I'm not good enough for this," you train yourself to say "I am capable and will do my best." Or instead of "I will do my best.” Maybe be more aggressive with yourself and say, “ I will kick ass." The key is to redirect the negative with an honest positive.
The goal of assertive self-talk is not to artificially pump yourself up or deny reality. Don’t lie to yourself. Give yourself tangible affirmations. It's about learning to validate your own worth and abilities in a reasonable way. This more balanced inner voice promotes self-confidence and courage. By challenging distorted thinking patterns, assertive self-talk helps boost motivation, resilience and mental wellbeing. This technique will stop the pattern of negative thinking and help you to redirect healthy thought processes. Assertive self talk is a tool for self improvement that all humans can gain from. But when you suffer from mental health, assertive self-talk is a life saver.
In the world of outward communication you will find there are three modes of communication, passive, aggressive and assertive. They are generalized modes of communication. But if you suffer from mental health issues the priority is not to let the chatty monkeys take control. Ignore the chatty monkeys. In time you can train the chatty monkeys to communicate in your favor. In the meantime, if being the aggressor in your own head works for you, by all means go there. But come back to assertiveness and be patient with yourself. Remember, the key is to terminate the negative lies, with positive truths.
The Difference Between Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Communicators
In the real world people typically fall into one of these three categories: Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Communicators. This is in relation to outward communication, but it’s important to understand so you can redirect the efficiency of your inner communications.
Are You a Passive Communicator?
Passive communicators typically put the needs of others before their own. In the real world passive communicators may avoid topics to protect themselves from uncomfortable conversations. You may feel intimidated in conversations. This communication style involves a character that dislikes confrontation. They may say things to maneuver under the radar, or they may feel their opinion isn’t worthy. If this is you, fear not. This article is about the conversations you have with yourself…or your chatty monkeys. No judgment here, and no one will fight back. Those with a passive style may allow the chatty monkeys to gain control over the conversations you have with yourself. If you're a passive communicator, it’s time to get tough. There is no danger in changing your communication tactics within your inner dialect. You might even learn to use it in the real world.
Passive Communicators
Avoid expressing their opinions or feelings
Allow others to make decisions for them
Regularly apologize and yield to others
Speak softly or hesitantly
Are You an Aggressive Communicator?
Aggressive communication is about expressing your needs in a forceful, blunt or hostile way that disregards the needs and feelings of others. If this is you, you will know it, because others will let you know. But even aggressive communicators fall victim to negative chatter in their own heads. Are you using aggressive self-talk against yourself? When you have conversations with yourself are you an aggressive bully? I think for many of us that suffer from mental health, your self aggression probably beats you into submission. In fact, aggressive communicators might outwardly project because they are stuck in a loop of negative banter within. It’s a vicious loop and the chatty monkeys can beat you down and make you act out.
Aggressive Communicators
Overpower others with their opinions and demands
Interrupt or talk over people
Use harsh language, insults or raised voice
Be impatient and unwilling to compromise
Are You an Assertive Communicator?
Assertive communication balances expressing your inner needs in a healthy manner. Those using an assertive style maneuver with courage and kindness. You're unafraid to speak the truth but you are cautious about severing the words thoughtfully. But alas, even an assertive communicator can get bogged down by the chatty monkeys in their own heads. Just because you are aware and communicate with others in an assertive manner, doesn’t mean you practice the same kindness when you chat with yourself.
Assertive Communicators
State their needs and opinions clearly and confidently
Be direct while still being polite and calm
Listen to others and compromise when needed
Express disagreement diplomatically
Anyone that suffers from mental health, anxiety, and depression, knows what I’m referring to when I talk about the negative racing thoughts. While it’s important to know the three modes of communication, the premise for this article is how you communicate when you have conversations with yourself.
Does your negative chatter stagnate you with passive self-talk? Do you constantly hear voices telling you to avoid and deflect? Does this passive voice hold you back and keep you from your full potential? Or do you aggressively self-talk yourself into a beat down with a constant barrage of self bullying?
Regardless if you suffer from low self-esteem or mental health, repetitive negative thoughts and conversations with yourself, will damage and suppress your emotional well-being. This article is meant to help you stop the negative chatter and replace it with assertive talk. Once you change how you communicate with yourself, your emotional well being will vibrate better, and your outward communication may gain a better stand as well.
How to Use Assertive Self-Talk
Assertive self-talk is a technique you can use to build confidence, self-esteem and redirect the chatty monkeys that continually put negative banter in your brain. Here are some steps for utilizing assertive self-talk:
Identify that you are stuck in a loop of negative self talk. This is key and it might take some time to start catching yourself. The point is to start. As soon as you notice the chatty monkeys negotiating a negative conversation, stop them! Scream “No More!” “No you don’t!” Not on my watch!” The first step in taking control is to acknowledge and stop the negative banter.
Pay attention to your inner voice: Notice when your self-talk is negative or undermining. Counter those thoughts by replacing them with positive reiteration. Remember, this is a conversation in your own head. If you're a passive communicator, fear not! You're in control of this conversation from beginning to end. If the passive voice in your head says, “you can’t do that, you're too weak.” Then replace the passive voice with an assertive voice. Say “I can do that, I’m not weak, I’m learning.” If you're dealing with an aggressive inner voice, give it right back! If the voice says “you're a loser.” Respond with “I’m not gonna lose to you. Not today, not no more.” Then replace the aggressive with assertive, and say “I'm not a loser, I am worthy. I am strong.”
Practice using assertive self-talk regularly: Make assertive self-talk a daily habit, not just when you get stuck in a loop. Make an effort to have conversations with yourself about the good things you are and have accomplished. The more you practice, the more natural it will become over time, and the less the chatty monkeys will dominate your inner conversations.
Start with affirmations or quotes that resonate with you. Visuals can be great tools because they can pop into your thoughts and help redirect the conversations. Post print outs, or purchase signs with affirmations and place them in daily visual locations in your house or in your work space.
Try writing things down that you want to solidify in your self-talk. Writing things down is a powerful tool because it solidifies your actions. It makes your brain work, and it commits you to a contract, of sorts, with yourself.
The key is consistently making assertive self-statements a part of your daily thoughts. Over time, you will learn to flip negative chatter off as soon as it starts. You will empower yourself to think in a positive manner, and in doing so, you will regain a healthier, happier outlook. It doesn’t matter what style communicator you are in the real world, in the conversations you have in your own head you can easily replace passive and aggressive self-talk with positive assertive redirects.
The key is to stop negative conversations, flip the chatty monkeys off, and redirect the topic in a healthy positive direction. You have the power. It just takes a realization that the negative banter is dominating your thoughts. Then you need to counter the negative banter with a positive opposition. Use visuals to trigger the redirect if needed. Try some journaling techniques to gain movementum. Journaling is another amazing tool if you suffer from mental health issues. It’s effective in many areas, not just with redirecting negative thought processes.
The Benefits of Mastering Assertive Self-Talk
Assertive self-talk can provide many advantages if practiced consistently. The benefits in your mental health are just the beginning. It’s a powerful tool to use in creating healthy habits that combat anxiety and depression, but assertive self-talk can enhance many aspects of your life. Here are some of the key benefits:
Reduced stress and anxiety: Assertive self-talk curbs negative rumination. Replacing unhelpful thoughts with assertive statements lowers stress. When you remove the negative and replace it with positive, you uplift and motivate yourself.
Better emotional regulation: Assertive statements help you take control of emotions vs. suppressing them. Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts stimulates an uplifted response. This enables more balanced, thoughtful responses. What you tell yourself matters. When you redirect the chatty monkeys, take notice of how this feels. Take a realistic look at the lies these negative thoughts possess, and then acknowledge the truths you replace them with. Again, be honest with yourself. If the negative banter says “you're a loser.” Don’t reply with “I’m Superman.” Reply with “I’m going to beat the chatty monkeys, so I’m my own superhero.” Take notice of “you're a loser.” No you're not, you know better. You're a fighter. You haven’t given up if you're reading this. If you're reading this you're out to discover how to beat negative thoughts. Give yourself credit. You are a superhero in the fight against mental health. That’s your truth. Feel it. Allow yourself to FEEL that truth. It has to stimulate a positive emotion. Remember that. It’s like a trigger response in a good way…learn that and use it to your advantage.
Improved self-confidence and self-esteem: Remember, when redirecting the negative echo that gets stuck on replay in your head, it’s not about inflating or over compensating. Be honest with yourself. That honesty will burn into your mind, and create truths that lift you from the dark and place you right where you need to be. Assertive self-talk helps you recognize your self-worth and acknowledges your true strengths. This leads to greater confidence in pursuing goals.
Stronger relationships: When you learn to step outside of passive self-talk in the conversations with yourself, you learn to step outside of passive communication with others. You gain confidence to communicate with courage and kindness. When you learn to recognise you don’t like aggressive self-talk with yourself, you might better understand why not to be an aggressive communicator in the real world. Assertive self-talk improves self esteem, which builds better relationships. When your self esteem improves you learn to build boundaries. Having boundaries builds healthy relationships.
Increased motivation and drive: when you practice assertive self-talk you affirm your capabilities. Affirmation in your capabilities fuels motivation to tackle challenges. Assertive self-talk makes you your own cheerleader. It breaks the bonds that stagnate your motivations, pushing procrastination away and opening up the door to do better.
Enhanced performance: Assertive self-talk improves focus, perseverance and creativity. This boosts performance in your personal well-being, at work, in academics or sports.
Conflict resolution: Being assertive allows you to stand up for yourself constructively. Within your own mental health, and in relationships in the real world. This allows you to see your worth, which emboldens your outward perspective. This leads to confidence and the courage to resolve disagreements rather than avoiding them.
In summary, developing assertive self-talk can empower you to be more confident, self-aware and proactive. With practice, it becomes an invaluable skill for emotional regulation, social skills and achievement. Consistently applying assertive self-talk results in better mental health, relationships and performance in whatever you pursue. You have the power to take charge of the conversations you have with yourself. What you tell yourself matters. When you master The Power of Assertive Self-Talk, you will flourish in more areas than just mental health.
Disclaimer: It’s important to note that anything I share about mental health is simply my opinion on things I’ve experienced, researched and implemented personally. It is not meant to diagnose, prevent, or treat anyone other than myself. I am not a professional in the academic sense, I have no degree in the field of mental health, and I do not intend to sway anyone’s opinion or treatment. If you happen to find something I share inspiring, I ask that you discuss the concept with your Drs and/or therapist. If the tool I offer fits into your therapeutic tool box, by all means work with the professionals that guide you to implement and make my ideas and practices your own.